How to Fix The Star Wars Prequel Trilogy

 

STAR WARS: EPISODE III: THE FALL

Our new episode III would follow three main storylines:

1. The spiriting away and concealment of Luke and Leia.

I bitched earlier about how stupid it was that they hide Luke on Anakin’s home planet, but it also bothers me that the entire hiding process was so easy. There’s a whole movie there! Perhaps we could get to know Mon Mothma or General Madine or Admiral Ackbar during this process … which leads us to …

2. The first stirrings of the rebellion.

We really needed another movie to see the birth of the rebellion. At the end of the current episode III, we hadn’t heard anything from them, and by episode IV, they’re major players. Like I just said, wouldn’t it be cool to get a Star Wars movie where Madine, Ackbar and Mon Mothma were all leads? Again, I think Lucas just wimped out on this one. He couldn’t imagine a Star Wars movie without his usual stable of leads (Obi-Wan, Anakin, Padme, etc.), so he didn’t make one. Indeed, our new episode III would be the only Star Wars movie to not feature any of these characters in main roles – but more on that later.

3. The destruction of the Jedi.

Lucas, you are a fucking moron. You spent about 30 seconds of screen time on this seminal Star Wars event. When I was a little fucking kid, I imagined that one of the prequel movies would be all about Darth Vader hunting down and destroying the Jedi – but nooo, Lucas fucked up another Star Wars movie, so all we got were a few exotic locales and Jedis being shot in the backs by fucking stormtroopers.

OK, I know this looks like shit, but I had to give you an idea of the transitional Vader concept art I saw on starwars.com.

 

On top of this, I also imagined that Anakin’s transformation into the Darth Vader we know in the original trilogy would have been a lot more gradual. Indeed, during the lead-up to the release of Revenge of the Sith, Lucasfilm posted on their Web site concept art that depicted Darth Vader midway in his transition from normal human to cyborg monster. One image showed Darth standing next to the Emperor. Darth wore most of the suit we know from the original trilogy, including the computerized plate on his chest and the triangular grille over his mouth, but the top of his mask was missing; his bald head was exposed, and lodged in his eye sockets were two bionic red eyes mounted on gleaming black cylinders of steel.

Our episode III would show the transformation. As Vader hunts down the remaining Jedi, he destroys them, but not without losing a limb or two in the process. By movie’s end, we see the fully roboticized Vader watching the construction of the Death Star – which, oddly enough, we got at the end of the current episode III, a full 20 years before its completion. Why did the first one take so long and the second one only a few years to crank out? I guess the Imperial construction guys got good and warmed up after building their first Death Star?

 

I said earlier I would address the potential problem of having a Star Wars movie without Obi-Wan or Yoda as lead characters. Well, we got by with a whole other movie without Yoda, and as for old Ben, I see no reason why our episode III couldn’t show some of the conflict between Ben and uncle Owen over how to raise Luke. By the time our episode III took place, Owen would no doubt know of Luke’s father, and would want to prevent Luke from turning into a crazy, galaxy-hopping, genocidal maniac. Ben would, of course, have other plans.

Well, that was a fun article to write.

Fun, and heartbreaking.

Because they’re in the can. Released. They’re made. They’re done. George Lucas, our generation’s great mythmaker, our generations great singer, finally made three more Star Wars movies … and he made first drafts. He listened to no one. And they suck.

Here’s hoping that he’ll cave in and made episodes VII, VIII and IX … and that he’ll relinquish creative control.

In that case, six out of nine Star Wars movies would rock. That’s not so bad.